WHY?

The days after are always an epic fail.

Questions on the minds of the chronically ill:

• Am I dying or is it GERD?

• Can I make it home without passing out?

• Why did we put the bed so far from the refrigerator?

• If I attempt traveling, do I risk the airline breaking my wheelchair again, or spend what’s left in my budget to rent one?

◦ Should I mail my medical supplies ahead of my arrival? My nutrition alone weighs a lot, shipping will be expensive.

• Do I spend what energy I have left making dinner or taking a shower?

• If I buy tires for my car will there be enough left in the budget for my medication?

• My automated wheelchair just died in the grocery store, now what?

…and a million other thoughts, that healthy people never have to think about.

I went to the beach last week. I didn’t stop and contemplate all the questions, I just went. It was a blast! I only left my blanket once, to use the restroom. I lounged under my umbrella, listening & watching all of the fun happening around me.

I did some writing, started reading a new book, & worked on a new song. Seagulls flying overhead, children jumping over the waves, seashells & smiles everywhere. The beach is the place where I can shut down and let my mind rest. The salty air & the crashing waves soothed my salty soul. Not one question lingered on my brain.

It was so much fun we stayed right through the fireworks. We had a perfect spot & the fireworks were practically going off directly over our heads. It was beautiful. Why didn’t I think of how I would feel after such a long day?

I knew there would be repercussions to such a long day. What I forget every damn time, is that my body’s vengeance gets more fierce with every moment I push beyond my limits. This time was no exception. I should have questioned my sanity for once again, “doing too much”.

The next day came and when I tried to stand to get out of bed, my legs took me to a pain that felt like a Charley horse magnified times 1000! I’m talking drop to the floor & yell in painful agony. Why didn’t I know this was coming?

I managed to make it to the bathroom, which is also too far from the damn bed! I sat there for a good ten minutes, psyching myself up to stand on my legs again. I question what’s wrong with someone who would put themselves through this, again & again.

I did it, I was standing. Now I had to walk, what seemed like a green mile, back to my bed. Why is the bathroom so far from the bed? I made it halfway when one of my legs went into full spasm. I used every ounce of strength I had to get to the bed. I had no sooner laid down when my other leg went into spasm. It was going to be a long day.

I never did get back out of bed until late into the afternoon. I had to drive my granddaughter to work. I did so in pain & my pajamas. It was an awful ride, but I got her there & I got back home.

I ended up watching movies & when that became too much, I put on my headphones, canceled out the noise of the world & let the music take over. I no longer wanted to be in my body. I say it every time, it’s just a fact, music is powerful medicine! I never question my need for music.

Each day was a little better. My pain was high but tolerable. I didn’t experience any muscle spasms. I was able to focus & get some work done online. I barely left my bed for nearly a week. But so much work was done!

My pain is excruciating again tonight. But if I was asked to go to the beach tomorrow, my answer would be a resounding yes!! I will not let the pain steal my memory-making opportunities! Who knows how much time we have left?

  • Beach day: Victory
  • Next day: Epic fail
  • Today: Better

All in all…the beach day was worth it.

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