Tag Archives: abandonment

EM

WE ARE THE DREAMERS

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I remember the exact moment I realized I had matured into a responsible adult. It was the day something didn’t go the way I wanted it to and instead of saying, “why is this happening to me”, I thought, “what did I do to create this outcome”. Somehow, life became easier after this revelation!

Unfortunately, the biggest obstacle in my life I did not create and I can not fix. Scleroderma is the beast I can not outsmart or outrun. It’s there, it’ll always be there. Every once in a while, I just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the entire world. But then I get discouraged and angry that I’m wasting precious time. The older I get, the more I realize how every minute matters. I don’t want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes and wake up having missed years of my life.

The lesson I’ve learned from being chronically ill is that everything matters. My lust for normalcy is insatiable. I want to get up, shower, drink coffee, whine about going to work, drive to work while bitching about traffic, survive my day to come home, make dinner and whine about doing it all again tomorrow. But my reality leaves no time for normal things.

On top of the desire to find balance in a world made for the healthy, I also want to do everything, see everything, meet everyone, and I want to experience all of the goodness in the world. Again, my reality leaves little time for all of these things. I can not tell you how many people have told me to “just do it”, go on that trip, and do all the things my heart is set on, while I still can. But I’m here to tell you that not everyone has the financial means or the health to be that person on TikTok traveling the world crossing things off their bucket list. I’m not hating, I say do all the things if you have the means. It’s just not possible for a majority of the disabled community. Whether it be a physical or mental disability, we live day by day with constantly changing medical needs and paycheck to paycheck trying to pay for those needs. We barely have time to write a bucket list, never-mind live it!

The other side of this is the people who, with negative intentions, have told me to shrink my dreams, to accept I’ll never have a normal life and move on, to adjust my life plans, and to just give in to my new reality. I’ve even had people tell me to just stop fighting the inevitable. What the…This one is probably the most painful and infuriating. When someone says this, I hear, “You’re inconveniencing my life and I need you to just be a good little patient”.

If you get nothing else from this blog, please read this and burn it in your brain. When we dream it’s with some semblance that these things are possible. Hope gets us through our darkest days. It drives us to push & never give up. Possibilities, goals, small triumphs, and even the hard work it takes to see a dream come true, are all burned as fuel to carry on. We savor the thought that the pain may end, that tomorrow will be better, that a cure may be found, and that our dreams will come true. Please don’t take that from us.

Yes, having a permanent and incurable illness means you will have to learn to navigate all the changes and hindrances that come with the diagnosis. But it does not leave a person less intelligent, damaged, incapable, irrelevant, unable to make their own choices, less worthy of friendship or love, and they, sure as hell, are not weak. An illness doesn’t make someone less of a friend. It doesn’t make them less fun or leave them not needing fun & excitement in their life. It doesn’t make them a burden, and it is not a free pass to steal their passions, hopes, and dreams.

I will not climb into my bed and be a good little patient. Sorry if this inconveniences some people & makes “their” life more difficult. But we all have the choice to be in someone’s life or not and love should be unconditional. If you see me as a burden, find a better patient, it’s not me. Unless you have a degree and can put Dr. before your name, I am not your patient. Do not cast shade on my hope. It would be better if you just walked away. It would be your loss. Because I am a fierce & loyal friend and you will never find a more welcoming & loving group than my circle.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch who loves learning, life & people. I will not cower, I will not succumb, I will not have my life stolen by Scleroderma. Even on a bad day, I will accomplish something. Sometimes it’s a huge thing & sometimes it’s small. But to me it’s everything. I’ll continue to visit loved ones, make people smile, create, talk, study, practice, help others, make new friends, dream, hope, love, laugh, and fight until I take my last breath. I will not let the lack of money, resources, or bad health keep me from dreaming about doing all the things I want to do in this world. Will I do it all? Probably not. Will I die trying? Absolutely! 

Here’s to the warriors and all who know your worth and willingly step out into the world and share your journey. Keep hoping, fighting, surviving, and thriving, for we are the dreamers & we will not let anyone take that from us.

JON

ATTACHMENT, ABANDONMENT AND BONDS

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Throughout my life, I have had the pleasure and privilege of forging many brawny ties with those in my life, and I referenced this in my earlier blog on soul ties, and in a way, this blog will be a sort of part two to that soul ties blog. But today, I want to talk with you about when the soul ties get to be perhaps too strong, and you find yourself fighting attachment issues-thinking that those you are close with hung the moon and sent the sun into the sky every day.

When someone shows you daylight after a long period of being in the darkness in your life, you cling to that. You cherish it. You become intoxicated by it. You cannot believe it. Your mind rejoices, saying:

Someone showed me the light!

Someone showed me a path out of the forests in my mind!

Someone offered me a hand to pull me out of the weeds!

Someone offered me a life raft from the sinking ship of a situation I was in!

Someone encouraged me in my creative endeavors!

But if you are not careful, you find you will begin to obsess over these feelings, and starting to chase them. It’s like a drug, far more powerful than any of the ones circulating on the streets today. And you find yourself smothering those around you in time, worrying over their every minute movement in their lives, when 99.99% of the time, the moves they make will not impact the friendship, partnership or relationship you have cultivated over time. But still, your mind worries. You’ve become addicted. And now you can’t let go, because attachment and fear of abandonment have you pinned to this person or people. You find yourself lashing out when they want to do something that doesn’t conform to what you want them to do, whether it’s something as major as a cross-country move, a new creative journey, or something as minute as what color they should dye their hair, or what books they are wanting to read. I know this well. Because I am one of those people.




As I have mentioned in blogs past, I deeply value and cherish soul ties I have forged in my life. I value hugs, conversation, sharing laughter or making a meal for someone. But the dark side of this is precisely what I’ve mentioned above. I found myself getting attached to the people I have forged these ties with. My brain sank its teeth into their kindness. They listened to my story and didn’t run afterward. They sat with me and held my hand through the tears and the fears. They heard every single reason why they should toss me in the ditch and leave me, but yet they stayed. And I greatly value and cherish that. But the down side is that my mind always takes what they’re doing and stores it away, and just assumes that they will always have the time to give it, at the drop of a hat. And when even the smallest of changes comes, it pulls out those files and says, “you’re not getting this from them anymore!!! They are fixing to abandon you, just like how everybody else close to you has! You don’t deserve this, and you’ll never get it again!” And as a result, you find yourself lashing out, not from a place of hate, but from a place of trying to maintain the good thing/things that are going on. You instantly go into fight or flight when someone this close to you shares news of a new event or happening in their life, because you are scared shitless that what you have is eroding, going the way of the dodo, and that the bond you have with them is about to buy the farm.

Sometimes, these can even manifest themselves as feelings for someone. And no matter what reasoning you might try to do with your mind, it will have you convinced that the person you are close with is head-over-heels for you, and that, no matter the situation, you can show up as their knight in shining armor riding a white horse, coming in to save the day. You cannot picture yourself without them. You find yourself fawning over them constantly. You dream about them every night. You find yourself messaging or emailing them multiple times daily. And before long, you’re so caught up in the addiction, you can’t even recognize yourself anymore mentally and spiritually. Nor can you recognize your own heart, soul and mind. The addiction of attachment has you fully ready to shed your body, cares and woes, to become one with the person you are closest with, and to become a specter in their lives, hanging over every little decision they make, and ready to declare war on anything they do that may jeopardize the “special thing” your mind has tricked you into thinking you have.




I am an addled soul. And I have fought this exact bear many times in my life. Attachment and fear of abandonment has leeched so much from me, and I know it has strained many friendships along the way, to say nothing of the opportunities it has cost me. I am still reeling from years of this addiction, the debilitating need to be loved and to go above and beyond for everyone.

But you know the beautiful thing about it?

It’s never too late.

It’s never too late to take your life back into your own hands. I am slowly realizing this. I am seeing firsthand the damage my attachment issues and abandonment issues have caused, and I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work in the repair process. These issues and fears have carved through me like a Category 5 hurricane. There’s a LOT of work to be done to overcome these issues and addictions. But it’s a bright and brand-new day in my life. And I am fully prepared to do whatever it takes to shed myself of these problems, and I encourage you to do the same!

I hope you all have gleaned something from this! In the comments, feel free to share your own stories about fighting attachment, abandonment issues, fears of losing someone close, being too clingy, etc! I am always willing to listen to your stories, and I want you to overcome and succeed in your journey to be a better person!

As always, take care, much love, and may God richly bless,

-Jon

P.S.: Special thanks to my dear friend Renee Yaworsky, who inspired me to write this blog on this subject today!