JON

VICTORY LAP

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There are beautiful moments in our respective journeys that make us realize, “Wow. I’m glad I stuck around for this!” Last night was one of those nights. As I have documented in past blog posts, I am an avid race fan. If it has four wheels and goes fast, I’m either gonna watch it or be there for it. And I got the rare treat to visit the famed North Wilkesboro Speedway in the Brushy Mountains of North Carolina last evening as part of an open house they were doing before the racing commences next week. It was a beautiful night, full of memories, photos, activities, famous stars and great food. It was also the first time I had been back in the facility since last August, which coincides with my commencing writing blogs on this website. A lot has changed since then, both at the track and in the life of the person who is writing this blog. It’s been a great period of revival, renewal, change, growth, overcoming and trying. But now, I am in one of the best mindsets I have ever been in. And it’s time to take a victory lap. 🏁

The very first blog I wrote on this website was entitled “Moving At The Speed Of Life.” In this blog, I detailed my life and my journey, and how it was just getting started. Earlier in the month of August, I came the closest I had ever come to ending my own life. I found myself under immense and seemingly inescapable stress, I was dealing with loss and self-doubt and feelings of failure in my life, and I thought generally that I was going to go nowhere in my life, despite all of my best efforts. I had gone as far as to seriously consider the thoughts of suicide that were floating around in my mind at the time. I had even written notes, but had either threw them in the trash can or burned them. I thought my race had been run.

Simply put, I was in hell.

But over the span of the coming months, it was dear friends such as Renée Yaworsky, Diane Coll, Sandie Dee Ingrande and Just Another Badass Warrior founder Em Farwell that helped me chart a course. With great patience, diligence, love and kindness, they helped me lay out a game plan for my growth. They showed me that it was OK to take my foot off the accelerator and run my own race at my own pace, instead of trying to people-please and bury myself. They helped me gain resources and tools and tricks to overcome, they helped me find my therapist (shoutout to Elizabeth!), and they showed me that indeed, life is very much worth living. And without the help of those five women, nights like last night would not have been possible. I would have been in a much deeper, darker place.

Last night was my proof that life is worth living. I got to meet, talk to and shake hands with people I never dreamed I’d see anywhere but on television or on social media posts. I got to see and take pictures from viewpoints I never thought I’d get to see. I got to walk around my happy place for the first time in 13 years. And it was all thanks to five kind, sweet, decent, beautiful, loving and caring angels who made it possible. All the moments like last night, all the accolades I receive in my creative endeavors, all the heights I reach will be thanks to those five wonderful ladies mentioned above. ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, talk about something cool you have done recently!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless,

-Jon

JON

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

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Too often in our lives, we worry about being perfect. We’re all guilty of it in one way or another-we could be making a dish and spend hours on it, but we’ll fret if it’s slightly burned. Or we could have a poem or song idea spring to our minds, then we’ll kick ourselves afterward over a chord we missed or a note we didn’t hit. Or we could write someone a long letter, make a sales pitch, or see someone we’ve not seen in 20 years, and we’ll spend the time afterward chewing our fingernails past the first knuckle about what we should have said or done in the moment. Furthermore, we spend who-knows-how much time worrying about ourselves. Our eyes. Our hair. Our weight. If we have enough of a tan. How our smile looked in a selfie. How our voice sounded on a call or message. The list goes on and on.

I am guilty of this in my own right, especially in creative endeavors. Many, MANY times after interviewing someone, I will have those thoughts of, “well, why didn’t you say THIS,” or, “why didn’t you ask them THIS at THIS time,” etc. And many times when making videos for my ongoing radio/TV time capsule project, I’ll watch them back through and think, “why didn’t you include this piece of audio? Why did you have the audio clips in this order? Why did you cut out this much of a song?” Even in writing these blog posts, I’ll often find myself wishing I’d have gone longer, or included one more photograph, or posted one extra blurb about x, y or z.

It can be a draining and seemingly never-ending cycle. The vampire of perfectionism is highly persuasive. But in the course of a lifetime’s run, we begin to discover that, instead of being perfect, the most beautiful and genuine thing we can be is imperfect. ❤

I am spending this month of April writing various pieces of poetry, as a challenge a friend and I are partaking in for National Poetry Month. This morning, I posted a tanka, a haiku-like poem but with two extra seven-syllable lines tacked to it. It read as follows:

“dewdrop pearls shine
as forest daylight finds us
in each other’s arms
kisses on the riverbank
it’s a beautiful morning”

I shared it with her and some others that are writing with me, and our own Em pointed out that I had only four syllables in the first line when I thought I had five. After some conversation, I realized that the word pearls is only one syllable-at least in most dialects! I had spent most all of my life thinking the word was a two-syllable word, and when it was pointed out to me that it was only a single syllable, I felt highly self-conscious about my voice and largely Southern dialect. Until it was pointed out to me by my closest poetic friend Silvia that, although I had been mistaken, I had still written a beautifully-worded tanka poem for this day of the challenge. Something beautiful had sprung from this Parnassian imperfection. And without realizing it at the time, my 30-out-of-31 syllable tanka poem resembled a pearl-a sacred verbal geometry created by irritation and formed by grit. And it put everything into perspective, and showed me what to write this blog post about today.

In the constant tug-of-war we find ourselves in between striving for perfection and doing our best, we can lose sight of what our true intentions are. Renée, my closest friend and co-creator has clashed many times with me over the notion of “done is better than good”. I fought tooth and nail against that notion for so long. I had it in my head that, if something was worth doing, it was worth doing to perfection. Until I realized that perfect is just a pipe dream, something that is pumped into our heads from an early age. Perfect may be achievable in certain fields or passions or lines of work, but the width and breadth of it is that perfect is something we can only chase after. Doing your best is more than enough in most situations! And most times, doing your best will lead you to the most beautiful of situations, scenarios and places. Being yourself unapologetically will be worth more to you than any amount of silver or gold.

Post that selfie of you in a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants! Sing that song or read that poem in your beautiful voice and dialect! Embrace your eyes, nose, smile, belly, stretch marks, beauty marks, anything that makes you uniquely you! Your imperfections do not define you, nor do they make you any less of a person. They each make you your own beautiful and evergreen kind of perfect ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, talk a bit about how you embrace perfect imperfection!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless!

-Jon

EM

LOOK TO THE ENDGAME

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I do not cower to opposing views. I am not afraid of challenging my thoughts on different matters. What concerns me is the possibility of becoming close-minded and living in an echo chamber surrounded only by people who agree with me. It would be a stagnant and ignorant existence. Not conducive to personal growth or learning. It is crucial to surround myself with different people and ideas, even if it’s uncomfortable. Engaging people with opposing views can broaden my perspective and deepen my understanding.

You’re under no obligation to like everyone, forgive anyone, or tolerate hatred. Listening to opposing views is evidence of my desire for actual change on the topic. Finding common ground is essential for real, long-term change. As human beings, we all have thoughts and ideas shaped by our experiences and history. By listening, we can learn what’s in a person’s heart and get to why a person holds a particular view. Even if we cannot agree with their views, we can try to understand and see how they arrived at this opinion. Only then can we find a way to meet them where they are and attempt to make them understand our perspective. Or perhaps, we will discover that we are now unsure about our views and that it’s us who need to grow and change.

Don’t be afraid to challenge your views. The real weakness lies in being unwilling to listen. Every generation grows old and the young will challenge their views in the name of progress. Don’t get left behind because of pride. When you have a conversation with someone who has opposing views, listen, be patient, and be kind. No one has ever been insulted into an agreement. We can use what we learned to be the root of their views and take steps to change their perspective or, at the very least, find common ground to move forward on.

It is important to educate ourselves to understand why people believe what they do. The ultimate goal is to come together and solve problems. We often find that our end goal has some semblance of common ground if we listen. We can either dismiss hateful views and tell them to shove them up their ass, or we can make an effort to understand the reasons behind them and stop it at the cause.

I am not saying, we should tolerate hatred. I’m suggesting the solution isn’t to hate back. Rather, to put an end to it, we need to comprehend it. Once we grasp the reasons behind it, we can make a plan to educate others and work towards a solution. Resolving significant issues takes time, support, and education. Real change comes in the seeds we sow for the next generation. The truth is we may be banging our heads against a wall, with some people. But our efforts can impact future generations, and maybe they’ll embrace love over hate.

Love Not Hate

When it comes to dealing with hatred, our focus is often on the victim. We tell them to toughen up, ignore the negativity, and build self-esteem. This puts the responsibility on the victims to adapt and fit in better. Why not redirect our energy toward understanding what creates the hate? With this knowledge, we could create change at the roots & prevent it from happening. It seems more compassionate to support the victims and put those who hate, to work on becoming better people.

This is my chosen approach and I apply this to any issue where there are strong opposing views. I focus on the problem, get to the root, and hopefully find a solution. All while supporting the victims and growing, changing, and educating myself as well. Every one of us can play a part in making the world a better place if we would only listen. Look to the end game.

JON

INTO THE FOREST

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I make no bones about it: My mind can be an awfully scary place sometimes. Sometimes, it feels like I am trapped in the forest. My intentions when I enter the forest are always good: I enter it looking for the peace, the calm and the refuge from the noise, hustle and bustle of the outside world. I start walking along the trails, I hear the birdsong overhead and the babbling of the creeks and streams, the trees are all lush and green and beautiful, the sun is bright and warm, and all cares are tossed to the wayside. This trip into the woods is delineated as my thoughts, cares and love for my friends and those around me.

But inevitably, invariably and ultimately, time gets away from me. The dark of night slips up on me, and I find myself without a tent, flashlight, food, blade or any way of communication, to say nothing of my lacking a lighter for a fire. And the howling is distant but growing closer. The yellow dots of light in the far woods begin to draw closer. The wolves are on their way, looking to claim their most fool-hearty victim once again: Me. But these wolves aren’t just any pack of them: They are my fears, anxieties and worries coming back to ravage me one more time.

This week, I found myself once again being held torn apart by my over-revving, overthinking mind. Silence from friends on Facebook when I checked in. People near and dear to me snapping or giving me cold, hard responses when I spoke to them. Overthinking how my friends were reacting to events going on in their lives. Feelings of not being where I think I should be in life. Fearing I had overstepped my boundaries and overstayed my welcome in my friend’s lives. Fearing about over communicating and being a pest to my friends. Worries about other friends and when I will be able to see them, if I can. Worries about moving and money. Losing sleep. Not eating right or hydrating properly. This week, I was lost in the woods. The wolves in my mind were showing their teeth, growling, ready to pounce on the ill-starred and helpless wanderer that had entered their forbidden territory.

Several nights this week, I found myself pinned to my bed with cold sweat rolling from my brow and my stomach turning flips over scenarios, real and imagined. And I couldn’t reach out. Most everyone I could turn to was sound asleep. By day, I could fend off the wolves fairly effectively, but by nightfall, I was tired and beat, and they pounced, each taking turns biting and ripping chunks of me away to keep as their spoils.

Once again, I let my mind get the upper hand on me, and I was a battered and bleeding pile of bones once again, emaciated by the lostness of I in the forest of my mind, and decimated by the voracious lobos that my thoughts, fears, anxieties, etc had manifested themselves as. I had to once again use what few morsels of strength I had remaining to drag myself out of the woods somehow and either crawl back to my safe place, or try to flag down someone and have them bring me back, despite the silence I had endured.

One would think surrender would be the only option, to just lay down and give in and let my mind have its way with me. There has been times in the not so distant past that surrender sounded like a very tempting and viable option. How much more of me could the wolves take before there was absolutely nothing remaining of me? How much more of my blood had to spill before I realized enough was enough? How many more times would I have to stitch and salve my wounds and go back into that forest to search for the light?

But then I re-realized a very important thing, something that, in my fight for survival, I had let get away from me:

Strength in numbers.

Strength.
In.
Numbers.

I do not have to keep letting the darkness and the wolves catch me unsuspecting. I have near and dear friends. I had only focused on their silences this week without any context behind them; I had in my scared and myopic state hyperfocused on the silence, when I know that these people would drop everything to help me, if I need it. If I do not have the tools and resources of my own, I can call on them and they can lend them, or better still, I can take these friends with me into the woods. I can take comfort in knowing they have the tools to pitch a tent, build a fire, cook a meal and keep those ugly, leering wolves at bay for the night. I do not have to go into the woods alone. I know that, if my fears and worries and anxieties were founded about them, they would reach out and let me know and would give me options to help them. I know these people have my back. I have strength in numbers. And I don’t have to fight alone. It’s taken me 26 years to realize this, but strength in numbers is something that overcome most anything.

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, tell about some of the people who helps you fight off those wolves when they appear in your own mind!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless,

-Jon

EM

DON’T INVITE THE BEARS

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Handling toxic situations can be challenging, and if we don’t approach them differently, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We will be doomed to live like salmon swimming upstream, expending energy and effort, only to make a few inches of progress. The difference is, the salmon don’t invite the bears to disrupt their momentum, to push them back to the starting line, or to pick them and their friends off one by one and eat them for lunch. Every time we allow a toxic person to disrupt our lives and force us to start again, it’s like inviting those bears to lunch.

Don’t invite the bears!

While toxic people are responsible for their actions, we are also responsible for what we allow in our lives. Although it’s understandable to accept apologies, if we continue to allow toxic people to stay and wait for them to change, it will poison the whole stream and cause innocent people to suffer. We bear some responsibility for the harm it brings to our journey. While the intentions are good, and some people love deeply and want everyone to be happy and thriving, continually living with toxicity while hoping things will change will never bring peace.

Everyone handles personal boundaries differently. Some have no boundaries and take on the burden again and again, some allow those lines to blur depending on the person crossing them, and some fiercely enforce their boundaries and protect their peace. There are even people who invite the bear to lunch, and we’ve all had toxic people slip through our radar. In these moments, it’s often not the toxic person paying the price and being given a chance to grow and learn, it’s innocent people, good people, suffering again and again. We have to see these moments as opportunities to learn and strengthen our boundaries.

Not everyone who is toxic is evil or cold-hearted; many believe they are coming from a place of love. Often, it’s a learned behavior or a response to trauma. We’ve all exhibited toxic behavior at some point in our lives, but the difference is, we learned from our failures and grew from the experience. We must be willing to force the hand of those who are harming themselves and others, even if it means letting them go to create space for growth. Sometimes it’s necessary to break the toxic cycle and prevent them from stealing joy and energy from those around them. As a friend, I won’t blindly support everything you say you want on this journey. I’ll always meet you where you’re at, but I expect the same in return. It’s essential to expect what someone is capable of and not accept anything less. We must love someone enough to challenge them and push them to grow, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.

If you want a friend who won’t be honest when you’re hurting yourself, me, or others, I’m not her. But if you want a friend who will fiercely support all of your efforts to become the person you want to be, sign me up.

JON

MYTHS, SAYINGS AND IDEAS

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As we go along in the span of our lives, there are many things we are told and many things we have seared into our minds, whether it be from someone looking to try and help us, or someone just looking to pass along a little advice. Many times, these things serve us in good stead. But some of these advices turn out to be nothing more than temporary band-aids for the troubles we face at best, and bogus myths don’t amount to a hill of beans in our lives at worst. Today, we will take a look at some of those things we are told that may work short-term, but are not compatible with us in the long journey of our growth, change, healing and forward movement.

On the idea of “Fake it ’til you make it”

This is what we will touch on first. Six little words have never had such a tempting lilt to so many. It’s easy to take up this credo to a situation we are facing in our lives that is difficult, or might take a lot of time. But it’s a dangerous trap to fall into, if we’re not careful. Those six words have ruined more good lives than alcohol or hard drugs ever could. Sometimes, we say this to ourselves as a sort of safety blanket in the midst of a hard situation, or we could even go as far as use it as a reason not to do something or face a problem that is brewing in our lives. We can get fat and lazy off of those six words, if we don’t watch our step. We can even let those six words wrap their vines around our dreams and visions and goals and choke them off completely, until they wither away and die.

And I know what some people might say: “But isn’t manifestation tantamount to faking it?” I can speak for no one else but myself, but in my way of seeing it, manifestation is equal parts heart, mind and soul. There is nothing wrong with wishing for things, but there is something wrong with not doing the work to get those things, or reach those goals, or live out those dreams. Your dreams, wants & desires will not be realized without a bit of elbow grease.

The best course of action is not to fake it, but rather to roll up our sleeves and face whatever we need to face in our lives head-on. Whether it be breaking off a potentially toxic friendship or relationship, or quitting a job and opening the door for a new career, or moving to a new town or city entirely, or picking a college or university to further ourselves, whatever the scenario may be. Instead of telling ourselves “fake it ’til you make it,” we can tell ourselves, “learn it ’til you earn it,” or, “practice ’til it’s powerful.” You might be able to talk or bullshit your way through a situation temporarily, but fixes for those situations do not come until the work is done, no matter how difficult it may be, and no matter how long it may take.

You cannot fake the work that needs to be done, or the desire to rise above your current situation. You have to want it bad enough. And faking it is NOT the way to go. The “fake it ’til you make it” mindset may work for a short time on things in the near-term, but becoming entrenched in it will only cause mental harm, and will only fuel imposter syndrome inside you.

On fear & hesitation

A quote on hesitation by the great motivational author, writer & coach David J. Schwartz goes as follows:

“Hesitation only enlarges & magnifies the fear. Take action promptly. Be decisive.”

It’s human nature to have fear or reservations about things that transpire in our lives, but we must not let it dictate our every move down to the letter. If we are not careful, we will let fear and hesitation and reservation steal some of the best times of our lives away from us, to say nothing of the opportunities that it may cost us. Humans are afraid of change. We are creatures of habit, and also of repetition. Once we sink our teeth into an idea or belief or routine or whatnot, it will take forever and a free t-shirt and matching cup of coffee to get us to turn loose of it. Being the big fish in a small pond has its perks, but it simply is not sustainable in the long run. There is more to life than what we see in our every day lives, and the myopia that ensues from this mindset will be a major detriment to us if we continue to linger in it.

Apart from this, we must learn also to take calculated chances and risks in our lives more often. Many times, we find ourselves chest-deep in a wanting or yearning pang over someone or something we desire, but we get cold feet and back out of it before we can act on it. It’s important to take those risks and chances when they come, while also being keenly aware that, if we don’t put at least some preparation into it, it runs the risk of backfiring, and we will touch on this a bit more in the next segment of this blog. But if we are patient, we will soon have all that we have ever wanted!

Hesitation and fear are powerful animals, but we are more powerful fighters against these! We get cozy in the normalcy and sameness of the situations we experience every day, but to grow and change into our better and best selves, we must the page and write some new chapters. History has never favored those who have sat still in life; the ones who got up and rocked the boat and raised their voice and led armies and battalions and marches are the ones who have statues raised and stories written about them!

The war against complacency and sameness and small thinking is not won in a day; it can be a lifelong process for some of us. The battlefield of our minds can be a very bloody and treacherous place at times. We must always be alert for whatever our minds pitch at us when we propose changes, ranging from spears to missiles. But with hard work and a willingness & burning desire to want to be better, we can come out victorious, and reap the rewards of the changes, no matter how spooky they may seem to us!

On being prepared

Many times in life, we see an opportunity arise and we say to ourselves, “God, if only I were more prepared, I’d do it!” Well, what’s stopping you from making the preparations for when it comes along again, if it does so? As mentioned above, taking bold risks and chances can pay huge dividends, but only if we first season them with calculated preparedness. Flying by the seat of your pants may work in some short-term situations, but we must have a proper course of action and path forward if we are to someday get what we want and deserve in our lives.

Think of it as trying to find your way out of the forest: Sure, you can chop and hack your way through the limbs, branches, weeds and bushes and come out in a clearing somewhere, but would you rather wing it and hope it works, or would you rather have a map showing you the easiest and best way out of the forest?

I know this can be a touchy subject, as many have grown up having known only how to wing it, or only how to fight for what they have, but there is another way to get what you rightly deserve in this life. You did the best you could until you knew better. Now that you know better, it’s time to do better! No longer do you have to fight for what you want; you wield all the tools and resources necessary to get anything you want, even if you don’t yet realize this fact. You have fought long enough and hard enough; it’s time you had a smoother and easier ride into tomorrow, and toward what you want in this life!

I believe too that it is better to be over-prepared for a situation than to be under-prepared and left with egg on your face when/if the situation does arise. I know that some situations will blindside us, but if we look back on all that we have accrued in terms of wisdom and preparation, we will see the path through the situation open for us, more times than not. All that we have been through has prepared us for those times when the bottom may drop out. It could be one hour in the span of a life, it could be a great many months or even years. But when those situations find us, look back on how you managed and overcame. You have survived 100% of your worst days so far; read over the notes you took in your mind, and use them as much as you see fit. And never EVER stop observing and taking notes; this is how we continue to grow, and how we continually rise above those dark situations!

We may be blessed in our lives and have preparations for things that ultimately never come to be, but we will at least have that knowledge, and we can take some of it and apply it to other situations that may rise within our lives! Always, always stay prepared ❤

I hope this blog post finds you well, and in the comments, tell me a little bit about your feelings on these subjects, and what you do to keep growing, evolving and being the best version of yourself that you can be!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless,

-Jon

JON

DEAR MOM

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February 18. The day will never not send a chill up my spine, when I think of what happened on this day, 19 years ago. I have told the story of what happened that day in blogs prior, so I will spare it from being repeated, but there are some things on days like this that qualify for repetition. And so, I will repeat a letter that I included in one of those past blogs. It is a motherly variation of a letter that Paul Harvey recited on a broadcast nearly 30 years ago, a letter than was originally shared by a fellow named Dr. Jack Schreiber of Canfield, Ohio, on the occasion of Father’s Day. A few years back, I decided to take what Dr. Schreiber had written, and translate it to someone who has lost their mother. Although I do not have children of my own, and though my mother has not been gone as long as what is in this letter, it nevertheless resonates soundly with me, and, if you struggle with the loss of your mother, may you find some comfort in this letter as well. From here onward, I will be quoting.

Dear Mom,

I am writing this to you, even though you have been dead for 30 years. Whether you can read these lines, perhaps you can read my thoughts. But there is still some things I need to say, even if it’s too late.

Now that my own hair is gray, I remember how yours got that way. I was such an ass, mom……..Foolishly believing in my own teenage wisdom, when I know now I would have benefitted most from the calm, right, wholesome wisdom of yours.

Most of all, now that I have children of my own, I want to confess my greatest sin against you: The feeling I had, for which you did not understand. Though when I look back now, I know that you did understand. You understood me better than I did my own self……How patient you were, and how futile your efforts to get close to me, to win my confidence, to be my guardian angel were. I wouldn’t let you. I simply wouldn’t let you. What was it that held me aloof? I’m not sure, but despite my best efforts, my own children had to build the same wall between them and I. And there’s no way I can climb over it or go through it, and what a shame, what a waste.

I wish you were here now, across this table from me. There’d be no wall now. We’d both understand, now. And God, mom, how I do love you, and how I dearly wish I could be your companion again. Well…….maybe that day isn’t far off. I’m guessing you’ll be there, waiting to take me by the hand and lead me up the further slope. I’ll put in the first thousand years or so, making you realize that not one pang of yearning, not one morsel of thought, not one second of worry you spent on me was wasted, it all came back, and it all paid off eventually.

I know that the richest, most precious thing on earth and one of the least understood things is that mighty love and tenderness and that everlasting craving to help that a mother feel toward her little ones. But none of her children can realize this until the roles are reversed. Even now, mom, I’m tired, weak and longing, and would hasten to join up there in the Great Beyond, except for my children…….They’re all fine, sweet, caring and upstanding young ones, all very capable, self-sufficient, highly talented and loving toward all. But, mom, I reckon I’ll stand by a little longer, to help them along, and to watch them shoot for the moon and land among the stars, and to be there for them, if they ever need me. You understand.

Signed,

Your loving child

JON

WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOING RIGHT

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When a period of calmness, peace, stability and overall good vibes enters our lives after an extended period of darkness and mental downtime, it can be a bit of a foreign feeling to us. We may not know how to handle it, temporarily. It may register an air of surprise within us, or we could view it as nothing but a fluke, a flash in the pan. But I am here to tell you that it is NOT a fluke. It is something you and I both deserve, after the doldrums we experienced over the fall and winter months. Spring is coming, both in and out of our lives, and it is going to be a time of rejuvenation, rebirth, second chances and new beginnings!

We must take the steps necessary to ensure the feelings of peace, stability, etc stay in our lives. Treat it as if it were a garden: You planted these seeds in the soil of your soul, and now it’s time to water them, fertilize them, and watch them grow! They could be flowers that pop through for color and beauty to add to your own life, or they could be various foods growing from the ground, to help feed and nourish not only yourself, but everyone around you. Either way, if we treat the good days and moments and good mental & physical health days like a garden, I think we could turn those seeds we planted into a booming, colorful and tasty bumper crop of bright days, laughs, golden moments and memories for a lifetime!

Aside from ensuring the good days arrive to stay, we can also funnel the energy we have for this into manifestation. Maybe you have a long-awaited goal that is finally within reach. Or a project that you can start on, after several false starts. Or a blooming love inside of you that you can share with the apple of your eye. It could even be just seeing a new town or city for the first time, or trying that new coffee shop or pizza place. Great new things are awaiting us in our lives this spring, and the room we have to grow is limitless and waiting to give us the stage to do so. With careful considerations from our hearts, minds, souls and gut feelings, we are primed to start writing a new, exciting chapter in our lives and journeys. 2023 is the year of US, brothers and sisters! Let’s pull our shoes on and don our best sunglasses, and walk out into this upcoming new, refreshing and inspiring season with smiles on our faces, and joy and hope in our hearts ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, tell us about something you aim to do or start on this spring!

As always, take care, much love & may God richly bless,

-Jon

THRIVE TO SURVIVE

THRIVE TO SURVIVE #1: AN INTERVIEW WITH RENEE YAWORSKY

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Hello all! Welcome to the first installment of Thrive To Survive! This is a very special blog/interview series where I, Jon Phipps, will sit down with some of my closest contemporaries to discuss with them how they overcame various physical & mental hurdles in their journey, or overcame obstacles outside of that realm! I couldn’t have picked a better guest of honor for this maiden voyage of TTS…….I had the thrill of sitting down and chatting with my best friend and closest co-creator, the inimitable Renee Yaworsky!

Renee is the embodiment of the words strength, kindness, fearlessness, love, compassion, friendship, beauty, care and inspiration. A native of New York and a long-time resident of the Peach State of Georgia, Renee has been involved with many different things over the span of her life, including law and prison work, modeling, acting, being a singer/songwriter, poet and novelist-all while valiantly and bravely battling health issues, namely lupus and seizures. Says Renee of first finding out about and subsequently tackling these issues in her life:

“I was 18, I was on Grady Avenue in Athens, Georgia and had a typical Athens night. We were swimming, and doing band rehearsal and was up most of the night and really having a great time, and when we fell asleep in the morning after being up all night, I did not wake up. And so luckily, one of my friends who was there tried to wake me up and was confused that he couldn’t, so he called my other friend and got on the phone with 911, and my other friend, my girl-friend was there with me and they were able to wake me up. The paramedics told me my heart had stopped and that they were gonna take me to the hospital. I said, I don’t want to go to the hospital and they said, well we’re taking you anyways. So they took me to St. Mary’s and determined that was the beginning of the understanding of the fact that I was going to have something going on with me, and I didn’t realize what it was. In fact, the initial doctors were reticent to call it a seizure.…….And then I came back up to New York and I was lucky, I was able to be seen by a cardiologist, a very, very good one, and he checked out my heart. And then I started seeing neurologists back in Georgia and they just, you know, called it seizures. At some point, they started saying seizures because they gave me EGS tests, and I was showing seizure activity. But actually after that moment, I didn’t have that many Grand Mal seizures. The Grand Mal seizures is like that when you’re losing consciousness. I’ve only had about two of those, maybe three In my entire life. Typically, my seizures that I had for the next six years, which I had almost every minute of every day were Complex Partial, I think they’re called. It’s been a long time, so some of my terminology might be wrong, but I was medicated and the medicine I don’t remember ever helping that much. I essentially had seizure activity 24 hours a day for about 6.5 years and that limited my ability. Even though I wasn’t losing consciousness, it affected my sense of self, the way I saw the world, what I was able to do, what I was not able to do. I sometimes would have to stay home because the lights outside could make it worse, fluorescent lights made it worse, sunlight could make it worse, But I didn’t get a lupus diagnosis until about 12 years later, and that’s disappointing because I had all of the symptoms. But for whatever reason, even though I was under a neurologist’s care, they never connected those dots.”

Despite the darkness and uncertainty, Renee nevertheless found a cure for the seizures she was suffering, and it was nothing short of a miracle. Renee portrays the scene when she found this miracle cure:

“It must have been 2005. I had trouble traveling, although I tried to travel as much as I could. I often was canceling trips because if the seizure activity was particularly bad, I wouldn’t even be able to leave the house. In 2005, my mother wanted me to come up for part of the summer, and I was able to make it up there. And when we got there, she mentioned that there was a shrine to St. René Goupil, which was not close, but in Upstate New York. It would have been a day trip. And I said, ‘that’s so weird because my name is Renee!’ I said, ‘how did I not know? I’m a Catholic! How did I not know that? I had a saint named after me that has a shrine right near where I grew up!’ She said, “I don’t know.” And we went there, and we toured the grounds, and it’s a lovely, lovely place. It’s out where the Mohawks were. There’s a lot of Native American history there, and a lot of museums, and it’s beautiful countryside.

I was having my general seizure activities, and the sun used to really adversely affect me. That’s a symptom of lupus, and it also can make certain seizures worse if you have that photosensitivity. And it was a hot day. And she went back to the parking lot and I said, “well, I’m gonna linger down near the river a little longer.” I had no plans, no hopes, nothing. I was just by myself and I for some reason bent down and put my hand in the water of the stream, a tributary from the river, which is where the body of St. René had been martyred. And it was once, it was maybe 3 seconds. I just put my hand in the water and I blessed my forehead and I said, “St. René, take away my seizures.” And I had never prayed for my seizures to leave me. I had never given them any conscious thought. I tried to ignore them. And instantly, my seizures were gone. The whole world looked different. The sun was different. And it was just…..gone. And I walked back up to the car, I didn’t mention it to my mother, but I knew I was totally cured and I never once had another seizure. I went off of medicine, I went to law school, my whole life totally changed.“



As mentioned before, Renee has been involved with many different things, but one of her foremost passions earlier in her life was acting. Having taken acting classes at various points since the age of 2, she developed a brawny love of the stage, but a very serious incident made her steer away from acting. Renee recounts this event:

“I’ve been acting my whole life, but I always stayed away from screen because I felt it would be safer, and I love theater. I love the stomps on the stage, I love seeing the audience, I love memorizing the lines and I became a stage actress and that seemed safer to me. Fast forward to about 2007 or 2008, I was in with the acting troupe in Athens, Georgia, and they had a mass shooting there at a function that I was supposed to be at, that I overslept. That was when I made the decision to go to law school and to not continue my acting. So if you fast forward till now, you might understand when people who don’t know me when people who don’t know me think I’m looking for attention, or, “oh, you think you’re so beautiful, you want people to look at you,” they don’t understand how much of my life was spent trying to get people to stop looking at me and for various reasons, and when the mass murder happened, it was very, very intimate and very close, both in proximity to where I literally, physically was and then also emotionally where I was. I did not want anything to do with entertainment again. I only came back to entertainment at all in 2020 during quarantine, but sure that I was going to focus on writing and law, and I absolutely did not want to go back into modeling. I did not want to go back into any sort of public activism and certainly not anything entertainment, nothing with acting, nothing with music.”

Nonetheless, Renee powered forward and dove headlong back into the creative realms of acting, modeling, music and writing. As mentioned before, acting & especially modeling are just one part of Renee’s MO. Through her work in these fields, she inspires and encourages scores of others to find their inner & outer beauty and embrace it, not just for one time only, but throughout the rest of their lives. And Renee is truly a shining beacon of hope for those looking for inspiration, or for those just on a journey to love themselves and accept themselves for who they truly are, not for what society wants them to be. Renee herself talks about the long road it took to overcoming food addictions and to love the skin you’re in, no matter how long it may take:

“I never had an eating disorder, but when I had a fainting spell in my teen years, I was grossly underweight and I did spend many years of my childhood with doctors, you know, monitoring me for bulimia or anorexia. That’s not what was happening. I was eating everything in sight when I was free, but I was highly active and I had a bit of an insecurity about being so underweight. When I was hospitalized for the fainting spell, I weighed 94 lbs. It was quite shocking that that’s why I was hospitalized. There was concern about that, but it wasn’t deliberate. In fact, I would buy these powders and stuff and try to gain weight. It’s what I really wanted. But I was riding horses competitively, so I was active. I was also playing basketball, I was playing tennis, and then I was in a touring rock band while at the same time as starting college at age 16, and I was also running an N.G.O. I ran a nonprofit that I started. I was doing all of that and I was so young, and I just loved it. My mother was so concerned about me because she said, “you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping.” And I’m like, ‘yeah, but I’m so happy.'”

With the modeling & acting work, plus current music endeavors and past activism considered, Renee is no stranger to being in the spotlight. And while this has been a mostly pleasant experience for her, Renee, like any other who is consistently in the limelight, has had to deal with more than her share of catty comments, hurtful messages, situations gone awry, and in some cases, even stalkers and people spying on her. Renee describes what this is like, and what she has done to overcome it:

“It’s disappointing, certainly, because I do havefearful things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I would say that I was exposed to it early, to the point where now I don’t know any other way. I started my my anti death penalty work when I was 14. And the band I was in became really popular when I was about 15, and so between prisoner issues, prisoners or people from the activist world who maybe didn’t agree with me between that, and then the fans for the band……..I was a drummer. I was the drummer, but I was the only girl. So although I was not getting the level of attention that the front man was getting, I was getting the boy attention because I was the girl. And this is certainly pre social media, but the internet existed. I think we had AOL chatrooms, it wasn’t like what it was now, and it never occurred to me that that could exist. The technology wasn’t popular. So when I was 14 starting this, this anti death penalty work, it never occurred to me that I would be able to be tracked down or my family would be able to be tracked down by prisoners or families of victims or families of prisoners or gangs, it never occurred to me because the internet didn’t exist like that. We were primarily still doing things over snail mail. I created an alias, I had a a pseudonym and I had an activist alias, and I felt like that would be enough. I had no idea what was coming in the years to come with that. Now anybody can find anything. The rock and roll business of it was a little different. I felt very safe because most of our fans of course were like teenage boys our age. I remember our school would have events, we had interviews coming out in the papers and they would put us outside and we would autograph everybody’s copy and things like that. Certainly, there was a lot of attention on the band, but again, because there wasn’t social media and all that. One of the funny things that would happen is many times the band and I would be out in normal places, the mall or a carnival and we would see fans wearing our t-shirts and they wouldn’t recognize us because they had never been to a show, They heard our cassette tape or something, they were fans of ours, but they didn’t know what we looked like. There were fans that came to my house, there were fans that came to my mother’s place of work. There were fans that called us at all hours of the day and night, but they tended to be well meaning and I didn’t fear them, but it did make me very cautious.”

To say life for Renee has been ridges and valleys would be an understatement. But through it all, she has never lost her smile, her passion, her drive, and her compassion and love and kindness toward others. She is someone we all aspire to have as a friend and a cheerleader in our lives. I speak for myself when I say that having the gift of Renee’s friendship has benefitted me and change my life in ways I’m sure I don’t yet know. Add to that the fact that we both have a common goal for ourselves in terms of paths forward and creative ideas, and it’s a friendship that is rivaled by few and duplicated by none. Renee is the definition of taking the high road. When asked about how she would like to be remembered when her times comes, she said:

“I would like to be remembered as somebody who truly showed that you can suffer in your life, and shine a light instead of bringing more darkness into this world, and to be known as a bridge builder and a peacemaker. I think peacemaking and bridge building are things that came naturally to me because I have a duality in my nature. I’m that textbook Gemini, I really do see things from different points of view. When somebody is arguing with me, I always see it from their point of view. I can see it from their point of view as they’re describing to me how unhappy they are with me, and I can jump aboard. I really see things from both points of view. And when you do that, you become a diplomat, you become a leader, a coordinator and organizer. And at the end of the day, you’re becoming a peacemaker. You’re sitting down with someone who might have done something horrible to another human being and you’re finding some common ground there with those people. And that to me is the most important thing, because if we don’t have peace, we don’t have freedom. And if we don’t have freedom, we can’t have happiness. More than 51% of my time as an adolescent teenager and young adult were spent listening to older people talk about their journeys, telling me things and I got to sift through what I believed in, what I didn’t believe. But I was listening. I was acquiring that knowledge. I don’t always have an opinion, and that’s the part of peacemaking, when you’re constantly jumping to conclusions without all the data, you’re constantly, stubbornly clinging to what you believe is fact. Even when different facts are presented to you, with that type of rigid personality, it’s very hard to progress, and it’s very hard to build peace because the more that you’re segregating people and telling them how different they are and how horrible one side is and how great the other side is, all you’re doing is limiting truth and you’re you’re not allowing the person you disagree with to ever progress in their own journey. So hopefully, I will be remembered as a peacemaker. You can’t make everyone happy all the time, but at least that’s my ambition, and I think that’s what I was doing even at nine years old with my animal rights. I was trying to build peace even back then. I think that’s been the theme of my life.”

I want to thank Renee for taking some time from her busy schedule to sit down with me and be interviewed, and I want to thank you, the reader for taking some time from your busy schedule to read this first installment of Thrive To Survive through to the end! without you, none of this is possible! Thank you all again, and until next time, take care, much love and may God richly bless!

-Jon

EM

WE ARE THE DREAMERS

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I remember the exact moment I realized I had matured into a responsible adult. It was the day something didn’t go the way I wanted it to and instead of saying, “why is this happening to me”, I thought, “what did I do to create this outcome”. Somehow, life became easier after this revelation!

Unfortunately, the biggest obstacle in my life I did not create and I can not fix. Scleroderma is the beast I can not outsmart or outrun. It’s there, it’ll always be there. Every once in a while, I just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the entire world. But then I get discouraged and angry that I’m wasting precious time. The older I get, the more I realize how every minute matters. I don’t want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes and wake up having missed years of my life.

The lesson I’ve learned from being chronically ill is that everything matters. My lust for normalcy is insatiable. I want to get up, shower, drink coffee, whine about going to work, drive to work while bitching about traffic, survive my day to come home, make dinner and whine about doing it all again tomorrow. But my reality leaves no time for normal things.

On top of the desire to find balance in a world made for the healthy, I also want to do everything, see everything, meet everyone, and I want to experience all of the goodness in the world. Again, my reality leaves little time for all of these things. I can not tell you how many people have told me to “just do it”, go on that trip, and do all the things my heart is set on, while I still can. But I’m here to tell you that not everyone has the financial means or the health to be that person on TikTok traveling the world crossing things off their bucket list. I’m not hating, I say do all the things if you have the means. It’s just not possible for a majority of the disabled community. Whether it be a physical or mental disability, we live day by day with constantly changing medical needs and paycheck to paycheck trying to pay for those needs. We barely have time to write a bucket list, never-mind live it!

The other side of this is the people who, with negative intentions, have told me to shrink my dreams, to accept I’ll never have a normal life and move on, to adjust my life plans, and to just give in to my new reality. I’ve even had people tell me to just stop fighting the inevitable. What the…This one is probably the most painful and infuriating. When someone says this, I hear, “You’re inconveniencing my life and I need you to just be a good little patient”.

If you get nothing else from this blog, please read this and burn it in your brain. When we dream it’s with some semblance that these things are possible. Hope gets us through our darkest days. It drives us to push & never give up. Possibilities, goals, small triumphs, and even the hard work it takes to see a dream come true, are all burned as fuel to carry on. We savor the thought that the pain may end, that tomorrow will be better, that a cure may be found, and that our dreams will come true. Please don’t take that from us.

Yes, having a permanent and incurable illness means you will have to learn to navigate all the changes and hindrances that come with the diagnosis. But it does not leave a person less intelligent, damaged, incapable, irrelevant, unable to make their own choices, less worthy of friendship or love, and they, sure as hell, are not weak. An illness doesn’t make someone less of a friend. It doesn’t make them less fun or leave them not needing fun & excitement in their life. It doesn’t make them a burden, and it is not a free pass to steal their passions, hopes, and dreams.

I will not climb into my bed and be a good little patient. Sorry if this inconveniences some people & makes “their” life more difficult. But we all have the choice to be in someone’s life or not and love should be unconditional. If you see me as a burden, find a better patient, it’s not me. Unless you have a degree and can put Dr. before your name, I am not your patient. Do not cast shade on my hope. It would be better if you just walked away. It would be your loss. Because I am a fierce & loyal friend and you will never find a more welcoming & loving group than my circle.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch who loves learning, life & people. I will not cower, I will not succumb, I will not have my life stolen by Scleroderma. Even on a bad day, I will accomplish something. Sometimes it’s a huge thing & sometimes it’s small. But to me it’s everything. I’ll continue to visit loved ones, make people smile, create, talk, study, practice, help others, make new friends, dream, hope, love, laugh, and fight until I take my last breath. I will not let the lack of money, resources, or bad health keep me from dreaming about doing all the things I want to do in this world. Will I do it all? Probably not. Will I die trying? Absolutely! 

Here’s to the warriors and all who know your worth and willingly step out into the world and share your journey. Keep hoping, fighting, surviving, and thriving, for we are the dreamers & we will not let anyone take that from us.

JON

A WELL-SPENT LIFE

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Death is a part of life. There is no way we can avoid it, the best we can do is take the steps necessary to postpone it, in the right circumstances. And no matter how we may view it, it nevertheless hits us hard in at least some aspects, whether we care to admit it or not. But for a death to hit us hard means that the person who shed the mortal coil left their mark on us. They may have encouraged us or showed us love, been a bright shining light to us in the darkness, gave us advice on how to best move forward through a tough situation, or just was there for us through mountaintops and valley floors alike. It could be someone you never met in person, someone you saw every day, or even someone you only met once years ago. Their memory and legacy will live on through the lives they touched. And maybe, they will have encouraged you to live your fullest and best life, to take the bad and the good with a smile on your face, and showed you a pathway forward in your own journey.




Earthly angels come in all shapes and sizes, backgrounds and walks of life. Some have had to scale mountains and swim oceans to get to us. Some just seemed to appear right out of the ether. Some came to us when we cried out for help. Some knew we needed a listening ear and a guiding hand long before we ourselves did. Some of them taught us that, even in the most ragged, tattered parts of our lives, there is still a silver lining, there are still reasons to smile. Some of them showed us that hurt is not the end-all-be-all, that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and some of them blessed us with how they did it, how they overcame and thrived, and how we could take their wisdom and apply it to our own lives. Some of them we knew only as folk heroes. Some of them we had the fortune of rubbing elbows with, or sharing stages with, or trading conversation with over a cup of coffee and a sandwich, or a cold pint of beer.

Most of all, these people showed us how to live a well-spent life. Not every part of it will be red and rosy. There will be storms with hail and wind and worse, trying to destroy the flower garden of peace inside of us all. There will be times where the road is rough. There will be times where the best maps cannot guide us. But with the blessing of those people’s presence in our lives, we can understand how to carry on and lace up our bootstraps and pull ourselves out of the muck and the mire, and continue onward toward daylight again. They pushed us to write that book, or record that album, or paint that picture, or express that love or affection. They showed us how to be ourselves, loudly, proudly, unashamedly and wholly. And if they are still in our midst, they will continue to spread their seeds wherever they go in this world. And if they have left this life for the next one, we can still admire what they’ve grown, and take comfort in the shade, color or beauty of what they planted, both in their own lives, and in the lives in which we live.

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, please highlight someone who showed you these tips and tricks.

Wholeheartedly,

-Jon



This blog is dedicated to the life and memory of William Orten Carlton, aka Ort.

THRIVE TO SURVIVE

INTRODUCTION

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Hello! Welcome to Thrive To Survive! This is a special side-project that will tie into Just Another Badass Warrior, a blog & interview series taking a look at how folks have overcome the various obstacles presented in their lives, whether they be physical or mental. Your host, Jon Phipps, will take an in-depth look into the stories of those he interviews, while also finding out the pathways to the light at the end of the tunnel for his guests, while seeking the same for himself. May you derive hope, inspiration and clarity from this blog!

EM

I CHOOSE

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My body has spent the last 2 decades trying to break me. Every day it takes something else away. I didn’t think there was much left to take away. I was wrong.

My job is to stay alive until the medicine & research catch up.

I put in a lot of effort to live. I know that sounds foreign to anyone healthy, but it’s true. Every day with a chronic illness is spent staying alive. My body throws one obstacle after another in my path. In November, I learned that it will take multiple procedures to save my teeth & jaw. It’s been difficult to process this & gather the strength to face it head-on. Then Covid hit me like the sky was falling. I was so sick and my first oral surgery had to be canceled.

At the same time, my meds & treatments caught up to me & I started losing my hair. Within a very short time, we had to cut it, & eventually shave it completely. I know it’ll grow back, but damn, enough is enough. It’s not vanity that leads someone to the breaking point when they lose their hair. It’s another choice stolen, by illness. It may seem silly but yes, losing the ability to choose your hairstyle is a big deal. I was still very sick at this point, with Covid & we ended up postponing our holiday festivities. Losing my hair at the same time was extra cruel. It was one more kick in the gut from an ugly disease. 

A few days later, my quarantine ended and I went for my routine labs. My rheumatologist called later in the day, to tell me that I needed to stop one of my medications immediately. I was on the verge of liver failure. What are the chances that out of all my medications & treatments, I’d need to stop the one medication that made a huge difference in my quality of life? I reluctantly stopped it after speaking to my doctor. In just a few weeks, I’ve noticed negative changes in my body. I’m hoping my labs improve and I can resume the medication soon. 

So here I am my teeth & jaw at risk, with a bald head, and on the verge of liver failure, still trying to schedule time with family for Christmas. Yet, I am still not letting my physical problems terrorize my peace. I was feeling pretty positive earlier this week when I went for my normal urology tests and follow-up. Easy peasy routine visit. I should’ve known better. If you follow my blog you know that my urologist has wanted to put in a permanent catheter port for my bladder. I fought it as long as I could. Last year I agreed to do it, but I never scheduled the surgery. Now I have no choice it has to be done soon. I will have my mic-key port in my stomach & now I’ll have a catheter port in my bladder. Having one of these ports is difficult, but two ports on top of everything else is overwhelming.

I’m not sure how anyone else would handle all of this, but it pisses me off. I refuse to give in to my body. Unfortunately, my body continues to fight back. One would think this would break me, but they’d be wrong. I get frustrated and angry, then I fight even harder. I refuse to feel defeated. I get one damn life, this is it, I have to live with what I’ve been given! When you’re living with an incurable disease your only goal is to stop progression & maintain your quality of life. Just because your disease can’t be cured doesn’t mean you can’t live a full life. I focus on the things I love, the joy in the world & the positive possibilities of what the future might bring. I want a long happy life just like everyone else. None of us know when death will take us. That is a fact we all live with until our last breath.

I’m nothing special. I don’t do all these things because I’m strong or courageous. I do these things because I HAVE NO CHOICE. I do them or I die. I’m not alone in this lifestyle. It is with mixed emotions I watch several people close to me go through similar trials. It’s heartbreaking to know they’re suffering, but there’s something comforting in knowing I’m not alone. Someone else gets “it”. 

If you’re in a health battle my advice is to build your team, your circle, your tribe whatever you choose to call it, a strong support system is imperative. I’m so grateful to have family, friends & a medical team who are there working side by side with me. They carry me when I haven’t the energy, they push me when I’m unsure I can give anymore, & they let me be when I need time to process all of it, they are never out of reach. My tribe doesn’t judge me, I can laugh or cry and they’ll be there. They aren’t afraid to give me a kick in the ass when I need a reality check or if my pity party has gone on too long. 

I know my body will continue to fight me with every minute of my life. It better be prepared because I do not back down, I do not give up & no matter how many battles I lose, I will continue to fight. I will fight for every minute I can get. I’m always saying, I’m going to live to be 124yo. Stay tuned to see how close I get 😉

Despite it all, I refuse to bow out, give in, or become miserable. As my good friend TC says, “I choose awesome!”

I choose to be happy. I choose to survive.

I choose!
JON

LEARNING TO SMILE ALL OVER AGAIN

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Happy New Year, one & all! I hope that 2023 has gotten off to a wonderful start for you! Most of us tend to make resolutions when the new year rolls around, some of them minute in stature, others towering over us like skyscrapers. Some are easier to adhere to and follow than others, but all of them carries weight in our lives, no matter how large or small they may be. We all want to see in-person that friend we made over the pandemic, or to go to that city, state or country we’ve always wanted to go to, or to dye our hair that color that would catch everyone’s eye. But what if we did something in the new year that cost nothing, did not require a gym membership or association admission, or did not even require approval from others?

What if we learned to smile again?

2022 was a hard year for a lot of us. Whether it came from events in the noisy news cycle, or events that happened in our own personal lives, or events that happened to others close to us in our lives, 2022 was a very draining and taxing year. Mental and emotional hardships. The projects or opportunities that just slipped through our fingers. The loss of a loved one or a beloved pet. 2022 threw plenty of ways to snatch our happiness and joy at us, and in some cases, it did steal those precious things away. To say nothing of what the last 3 years has done to the world as a whole, with the pandemic considered.

But what if I told you that we’re on a mission to get those things back?

A big resolution for 2023 is to learn how to smile again. 2023 is the year that happiness grows and re-re-regrows in our lives. With the sureness of a rose in the springtime, we will all find our way back to happiness this year. This is your call to manifest it! Cultivate your soul and make it into a garden of peace, love, joy and great happiness! Planting season in just around the corner in our lives; take advantage! This is the perfect time to rid ourselves of the reeds and weeds that was the happenings in 2022; in 2023, we will strive to toss the bad news and the noisy news and the discord and disaster and dissent into the wastebasket, and hold our heads high and look forward with clear eyes to the future! The future is eight months pregnant, and tomorrow has ALWAYS been better than today! Optimism, self-love, self-care, taking bold but calculated chances, speaking out, reaching out and loving others more will take root and flower in our lives in 2023. Gone will be the choking vines and weeds and invasive species of self-doubt, abandoning ourselves and our needs, timidness, fear, people-pleasing, attachments, conformation and self-flagellation. 2023 is our year, brothers and sisters. Let’s grab this thing by the horns and make it ours and MANIFEST all that we deserve!

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, please list some ways you aim at keeping to our resolution of learning to smile again!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless

-Jon


JON

RIDGES & VALLEYS

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As 2022 draws to a close, I catch myself reflecting back on the year that was in this wild ride we call life. And it much resembles my beloved Appalachian Mountains: Lots of ridges, but a whole lot of valleys as well. Creatively, I summited several ridges, and was able to drink in the views from them. I was able to do things this year that most could only dream of doing. I got to interview several people I look up to across many aspects, I got to organize virtual festivals and fundraisers to help out several dear friends, I got to be witness to and have directing abilities over many wonderful, inspirational, eye-opening and moving shows this year. I scored one-third of my all-time front page selections on the poetry site I frequent this year, and furthermore submitted one of my poems for publication in an actual hard-copy book.

Outside of the creative realm, I was able to spend more time with beloved friends this year, including helping one move to this wonderful Tar Heel State. I also got to visit places I had not been to since I was a child, namely Nashville and surrounding environs. I got to attend multiple racing events this year at an array of historic tracks here in North Carolina, including Charlotte Motor Speedway, Hickory Speedway and the famed North Wilkesboro Speedway. I was able to find deeper love, meaning, kindness and care in the friendships I have already cultivated, and was able also to make several new friendships this year, both in my personal life and in my life online. I was also able to find several online communities that catered to the things I love, like auto racing, radio & television history, true crime and more! And not to mention, I finally found a new feline friend in Vidalia!



But also in the span of this 365-page book we called 2022, I fell to the valley floor several times. I let emotions and feelings get in my way on multiple occasions, which led to many worry-filled & sleepless nights this year, as my mind played out wildly unrealistic scenarios and events. I let the “red mist” overcome me on several occasions, and it resulted in me becoming a hassle to work with, and in some cases to be friends with. I found myself unable to take my foot off the throttle and give myself a break & a chance to get my head in a proper place, which resulted in me very nearly ending my life back in August. I lashed out at friends and co-creators when they didn’t deserve it, and when the situation I was mired in was nothing more than my mind feeding me lies and tall tales about those people. Above all, I put my own self on the back burner for the sake of those around me in my life. I thought I could be the knight in shining armor, rushing in at the last instant to protect them from themselves, when all I was doing was tripping over my feet and faceplanting into the mud.

But after every valley floor comes another ridge to climb. I started therapy in November of this year, and I am very much looking forward to scaling this ridge in front of me, and to take in the sweet, unobstructed view from high atop it. It’s going to be a hell of a mountain to climb, but now being equipped with the right tools for such a task, I feel I can fly to the top of it, or better still, take that mountain and move it outright! With the help of great friends, a wonderful therapist, and readers like you, I can do no wrong in this ever-evolving journey ahead! Not every part of this leg of the journey will be easy, but I feel a lot more confident about than I did a year ago, a month ago, even just one minute ago! And I hope you all will stick with me on this journey ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, mention some of the ridges and valley you have experienced in the year 2022!

As always, take care, much love, and may God richly bless,

-Jon

EM

THEN IT HIT OUR HOUSE

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I challenged myself during the Mental Health Campaign to being more honest about my health journey. I’m holding myself to this commitment.

I love the holidays. It’s the perfect time to share smiles and lift others when life is weighing heavy on them. A chance to end the year with love & hope. I’m that person who decorates right after Thanksgiving. I send out hundreds of Christmas cards. I make dozens of random personal gifts for those who make my life better, in ways they may not even comprehend. I hide gifts around town & make baskets for the fire department, town hall, post office & animal shelter, to lift our communities spirit & say thank you. I pay attention all year & try to make or purchase gifts I know people want or need. But this year is kicking my ass & although I managed to get a few things done, it’s taking all I have. Every day I get slower & struggle more to get simple things completed. Christmas will look much different this year.

It’s the little victories that make me smile.

I’ve been going through it with my Scleroderma for the last few months. It’s raging again & it’s been difficult emotionally & physically. I’m undergoing treatments that come with side effects that amplify all of the negatives that come with a chronic illness. My jaw is destabilizing again and my teeth will take a lot of work to save. I’m losing my hair from the treatments & will soon have to just shave it off. The worst is knowing my brain fog has made me forgetful & I know I’ve let people down. It’s been damn hard. It wouldn’t be half as bad if my husband wasn’t battling health issues this year, as well. His doctors don’t want him working. They tell us he’s risking major damage to his body, and that one wrong move could be catastrophic. So we are sitting in a holding pattern financially. We sit at the mercy of his doctors deciding what surgery is next. He’s doing what he can to work, despite the warnings. Bills don’t care if you’re unhealthy.

Not everyone can afford to be sick.
That is just reality in America.

It’s one thing to be chronically ill & another thing to add in financial struggles. It’s astronomical the cost of survival. I’ve said it again & again, it does not matter how much you make, save or plan, we are all one illness away from financial disaster. On top of it all, this is one of the worst years for everyone financially. Heating, electricity, food, fuel, everything is more expensive right now & increasing regularly. Despite the negatives, we are fighting to have a great holiday & to share it with all we care about. Then it hit our house, Covid.

David tested positive first and was put on Covid meds the same day. We have to be aware and cautious of any lung or breathing issues with him. For those who don’t know he had lung cancer & a bacterial infection that resulted in the partial removal of one of his lungs. Both of his lungs have damage and it would be hard for his body to fight Covid if it settles in his lungs. I believe the meds are helping control his symptoms. He seems to be in a holding pattern, with no changes for the worse or better. He’s still battling but he’s remaining stable.

I tested positive late Friday night. Leave it to me to find out on the weekend and while there’s a major storm hitting us. I managed to get a hold of my doctor’s on-call service Saturday morning. It took hours and numerous calls back and forth between me, my PCP office, my doctor’s offices in Boston & the pharmacist. Finally, they had a plan. They called in some medications, changed the dosage on a few of my medications & held some of my regular medications. It was a whole process but I started the Covid meds Saturday night. I’m miserable. I’m trying to get up and move around as much as possible. It’s been a cycle of getting up and doing one or two small tasks & then I have to lie down again. My pain is maxed out & making it difficult to do the simplest things. I have slept more in the last few days than I have in decades. My normal nausea is increased, I’m experiencing excruciating muscle cramps & I feel like I have the worst cold, I’ve ever experienced. I’m hoping today improves with the medication. The doctors warned me that the side effects may be difficult and I may need to stop the medication.

I don’t know if Covid is ready.

Still, I carry on. Friday I did get some random gifts sent out to thank people who make me smile & I know don’t always get the appreciation they deserve. It took me all day yesterday, but I did get our tiny 4’ tree up & decorated. Today I will try and work on some gifts. It’s not looking like we will be having Christmas with our families on Christmas Eve as we planned. We realize we can not financially buy gifts right now, but we will make some amazing personalized gifts & bake some family favorites as soon as we test negative. We will not skip Christmas, just delay it if necessary to keep us all safe and strong.

I’m stubborn and refuse to change how I feel about the holidays and how I reflect on the end of another year. As usual, I will use my energy to make others smile. That will fuel my healing until I can find my smile again. So although we won’t be able to do all the things we normally do this time of year, we will still create a magical Christmas.

Today I may feel awful physically & under stress trying to figure out how we will pay for basic expenses & my treatments. But I continue to look forward to a healthier & prosperous New Year for everyone. I pray that Covid will not continue to be such a destructive force in the world. I will work hard to improve myself so I can bless others. I will continue to send smile mail & volunteer when I can. I will give freely my time & energy to those I care about & those who make me smile. Although I may be down hard right now, I choose to believe this too shall pass.

Happy holidays to all, for whatever holidays you celebrate. If you choose not to celebrate then happy end of the year! Be kind to yourself & others. In the worst of times there is always hope, love hard, & pray harder. I am so grateful for you & I love you ❤️

JON

A WEDNESDAY IN APRIL

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Those who have read my blogs may not know that I also am a poet. I have over 360 published pieces on AllPoetry, with nearly 50 of those being front page selections. On this day, I am dealing with drama within friend circles I am in. And rather than write a long, angsty blog for the millionth time, I decided this time to channel what I am feeling into a poem. This poem summarizes my feelings toward the matter, without saying it directly. In this poem, the title summarizes the wanting for peace, friendship, kindness and love to flourish; simply put, the wanting is a Wednesday in April.

“i wish for a wednesday afternoon
in the middle of april
cotton ball clouds, silver springs babbling
green leaves in the trees
birds standing shoulder to shoulder
on the telephone wire, singing
dogwoods and azaleas blooming
dandelions flying through the air
an apple orchard with shade enough
for a post sun-bathing nap
the hum of a passing car on highway 45
or a plane engine overhead
dogs barking, children giggling
the scents of pies in window sills
still-damp clothes hanging on the line
drying in the springtime
an orb weaver spider spinning a web
in a corner on the roof
a bottle of apple wine
and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses
for you & i
an old blanket and a hillside for cloud-gazing
kisses and embraces”

I hope this poem finds you well, and in the comments, tell me a bit about how you deal with drama.

As always, take care, much love, and may God richly bless,

-Jon

JON

LIFE, HAPPINESS, AND THE WAY IT USED TO BE

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On this Sunday evening that I am writing this to you, I decided to do a story reading on my personal Facebook page. Nothing out of the ordinary for me, as I have in recent weeks been doing an increased number of them, as I set about publishing a poetry or short story book of my own in the future. I elected to do a reading from a book I had gotten in the mail the day before, a book by Garrison Keillor called Lake Wobegon Days. I read a section of a story in the book called “Fall”, and went for just under an hour in the reading that I did. After I had closed the stream, I decided to take a look through the log of streams that I had done from the amount I have on the streaming platform I use. It is the same one I have used many times, in hosting shows and recording interviews, doing poetry reading or concerts, etc. And virtually thumbing through the stream log, I saw many things that I had did over the past 18+ months I had been using that platform. Many memories came back to me. And a twinge of sadness darkened my door once again.



I remembered back to those salad days of my virtual creative journey. How I thought I had the tiger by the tail. How I thought I was on the cusp of reeling in the interview, the one that would get my name out there, How I thought I was growing alongside my creative friends, not knowing the strain and worry, spats and darkness that would come in the future. And it made me wonder: Has it always been this way? Has this feeling been a cornerstone of my life?

As mentioned many times prior in my blogs, I’m always one to slink back to the past at times, to the way things used to be. In some part of my mind, I think that, if I go back to that point, I will find a little retreat of happiness, like a shelter or lean-to on a long trail, a tiny roadside chapel on a highway, or something similar. But I catch myself looking back at those places I go to in my mind, and I remember what I was going through during those times. And in many instances, I was absolutely not happy or satisfied or whatever in that period. I often find that I was in a less-amplified state of where I am currently; though the difference in then from now is, back then, I didn’t have as many aggravating factors in my life. I did not have commitments, meetings, shows, platonic and romantic feelings and terrors of creative failure………

…….But I damn sure paid no attention to the mental scars I bore that were weeping and festering, nor did I pay attention to the tornado-in-a-china-shop state of affairs in my heart, mind and soul, and how my happiness and peace of mind were in complete tatters, ragging in the breeze.

So were times ever really better? Or are these times in which we live really the good ol’ days?

It all boils down to perspective. One could easily look back at where I came from in my life and where I am now and say, ‘well, he was a lot better off in the past, if ignorance really is bliss.’ I could have kept putting off the inevitable and kept putting on a happy face and kept going out into the world, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and making cries for help that I thought at the time would go unanswered. I could have kept staying awake until 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning stressing over factors and people that were many miles outside my control. I could have kept bottling everything up inside, and letting feelings and fears and emotions control my every move. I could have kept doing it.

But at this very moment, I have so many more tools than I had 10 years ago, 5 years ago or even just a single month ago. Yes, I may have a lot more things going on that amplifies what I go through on the inside, and I may have more eyeballs on me at every turn, and more people willing to spout off with a comment. But, at the same time, I have outlets to channel into when I feel down. I have a therapist I am seeing once weekly. Many of my friendships and creative partnerships are stronger and tighter than they’ve ever been. And I am starting to fall in love with the idea of living again. I am addressing what desperately needed to be said, and in turn, beginning to clean, dress and heal those wounds in my soul. While I may not have my mother in my life, I now have 10 ladies carrying her power and grace at any given time.

So in some ways, the traits of the old me served me well. But in a many myriad of different ways, the me of today is much stronger, with thicker skin, clearer eyes and sharper visions, and with renewed goals for tomorrow. And for that, I am grateful. ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, talk about how you’ve overcome obstacles in your past, and how you can focus on the good of the past!

As always, take care, much love and may God richly bless,

-Jon

EM

JUST DON’T

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It’s that moment in a social situation when things get awkward. When the person you’re talking to starts squirming & fumbling for words. They are struggling to keep the conversation going. That moment when people are at a loss for words. I realize my illness, my pain, my wheelchair & dozens of other chronic illness-related issues, I live with make “them” uncomfortable. If I’m being honest, saying the wrong thing happens a lot.

These are innocent, benign comments from people with no malicious intent. Many times they think it’s funny and yet they’re completely serious. Sometimes I can shrug it off or laugh it off. Other times, my bitch switch is flipped and it’s on. I’m ready to completely obliterate someone in anger and frustration. Faster than you would think, anger turns to frustration, and frustration turns to pain. Before you know it, I’m launching headfirst into the abyss that leads me down the dark road to depression.

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to work.”

“I wish I could stay home all day, like you.”

When you want to say it, just don’t.

I hear this often. Each time my mind’s eye suddenly sees my day in what it perceives, they think I do all day. There I am on a lavish sofa, the sun gleaming through the windows, making me appear like a starlet under the glow of the spotlight. I have snacks to the left of me, a controller to my right, and I’m snug in the middle with… Netflix. My dogs are at the table playing poker with their friends. My house is a magical place where dirt evaporates and items walk themselves back to where they belong. Once in a while, I glance up from the TV long enough to see my dishes take a bath and dry themselves with my self-cleaning dishcloths. All I do is think about dinner and bam! There it is, ready to serve itself when the time is right. The washing machine collects dirty laundry and bedding, proceeds to wash, dry, put it away, and make my bed. I’m like 5 episodes into my binge-watching by now. This fantasy vision is short-lived, and my brain brings me back to reality.

What they don’t think about is the fact that you can’t work because you can’t function. Your day is consumed with effort through pain, fatigue, and brain fog. There are meds to take, scripts to fill, doctor’s appointments, organizing all of this, and dozens of other equally not-fun medically related things that need to be done. They have not had to consider the implications of being unable to work for an extended period. How do you pay for your bills and healthcare, the isolation, your lack of relevancy in the world, and a multitude of other equally reasonable questions that rattle in your brain, echoing throughout your life?

I don’t work in a regular, scheduled, leave-my-home capacity because I’m unable to. I have physical limitations. I would give anything to be healthy enough to go back to work. I’m not on vacation.

The truth is, when you’re chronically ill, you spend most days just trying to stay alive. Prioritizing what has to get done & figuring out which filth you can live with for today. Because it’s not all getting cleaned. By the time most people arrive at work, your body has already begun to retaliate, to get you to retreat to your bed.

A lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that when someone living with a debilitating chronic illness shares their time with me, I must be very important to them. I know what sacrifices were made for them to give me space in their lives. Don’t depreciate their value. Appreciate every minute they give to you.

JON

TO MY BEST FRIEND

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To my best friend,

I am sincerely grateful for the gifts of your friendship, care, lovingkindness, patience, grace and encouragement. You and I have rode out many a dark time together in our time of friendship, but have had many beautiful days as well, and not a second of this would I trade. You love me when I can’t love myself. You offer me a torch when I am going through the dark wilderness of my mind, and a life raft when I am drowning in the oceans of emotions. You and your unique kind of full-service friendship is so welcome in my life, and to have had it now for two full years is a blessing wrapped in a miracle.

I know I’ve not been the easiest to deal with. I have fucked up many times. I have given you ten thousand reasons to leave me dry. We’ve clashed on many things. But you always take the high road, and are always willing to work things out and listen and hammer out a solution for those issues. I am so grateful you have a long fuse with me, and your patience is worth its weight in gold. I know I worry a lot about you, and I know you wish I wouldn’t worry so much, but you are my dearest friend, my closest confidant and one of the most valuable assets in my life. To win the friendship of someone like you is to catch lightning in a bottle, and I will forever cherish this.

I am so thankful to have a creative partner like you in my life! We’ve done so much together, and have both climbed and moved mountains together! I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us creatively, whether it be in music, television, poetry or book writing, or even something beyond those! I am so proud of you and us and the work that we have done together and apart, but the best is yet to come! Memory lane is in the headlights, and I cannot wait to experience it all with you! Thank you for taking a chance on me over a year and a half ago, and trusting and encouraging me in these endeavors. I hope I’ve been a good leader, and have set a good example for all ❤

Without you, I wouldn’t have so many things. I wouldn’t have been able to create an online network with a wide-ranging variety of programs. I wouldn’t have been able to find the courage to send a writing of mine off for publication. I wouldn’t have been able to find my voice as a musician and songwriter. I wouldn’t have took the time to re-sharpen my skills as a poet. I wouldn’t know all the wonderful people I have come to know over the last two years. I am blessed beyond any possible explanation. You came into my life and completely changed it for the better, and more than that, you have helped me change and grow, and have helped me heal and move past the scars that I thought would define me. You are a saving grace.

I am so thankful you hold my hand when times get rough. I’ve been through so many changes over the past weeks and months, and it’s been hell. But you have stayed by my side through it all. Even though you don’t experience the things I go through, I so love, admire, respect and cherish your willingness to learn, to offer help, and just to be my shoulder to cry on. And I pray I’ve been this for you, when you face challenges and hurdles in your own life. I am so grateful we have experienced both the ridges and the valleys together.

My dearest friend, you are red-on-a-rose beautiful, sharp as a tack, strong as steel and sweet as love. I’ve seen you overcome so many things, and don’t think for one minute that I’ve not been watching! You are leading me and showing me how to overcome the hurdles that appear in my own life, and I would be forever lost if not for your guidance. You wield great power inside you, and to watch you harness it and use it for the greater good is so wonderful, so beautiful, so inspiring and so amazing. You are changing, touching and molding so many lives right now, and your impact will be measured in terms of decades and centuries. I will forever be so proud and so blessed to know you, and to have you as my best and closest friend ❤

To Renee, you are my sunshine, and you are an angel. I am so thankful for our friendship, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for the both of us, as friends and creative partners! Thank you for taking me under your wing and teaching me so much. You are the best, and I love you ❤

I hope this blog finds you well, and in the comments, please talk about your best friend on this side of life!

As always, take care, much love, and may God richly bless,

-Jon

Just Another Badass Warrior