Tag Archives: healing and trauma

EM

I LEARNED

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This year has been one of the most challenging years I’ve ever experienced. But still, I’m here for it. 

I have been in a wheelchair for years, due to issues stemming from my Systemic Sclerosis, (Scleroderma). A little over a year ago, I went through some changes in how my doctors are treating my illness. Instead of trying to stop it, which wasn’t happening, they are treating my worst symptoms, with the intent of increasing my quality of life. Who knew that this would change everything?

I have been working hard through PT, OT, and training to regain my mobility. It’s taken a lot of determination, motivation, and commitment. Today I barely even use my cane. My wheelchair collects dust until the next big adventure that requires being in one position for an extended period, walking long distances, long days, venues with long ramps or uneven ground, etc., or during an unexpected flare. When I say it’s been challenging, it feels understated. It’s hurt, consumed a lot of time, left me in tears feeling defeated, thinking it’s all for nothing, and many other mind-fuck games our brains like to play. 

As with any illness, stress has the biggest negative impact on the body, mind, and soul. I never thought my peace would be challenged like it has been this last year. My mom’s Alzheimer’s has progressed rapidly, leaving her needing more time and support from myself and the family. On top of that, our lives took an unexpected turn as we accepted a difficult task at a major crossroads for our family. To say we’ve been under immense pressure, like nothing we’ve faced before, is a true statement. This one life-changing need in our family has had me at the maximum stress level I’m capable of working through.

I believe that every moment in our lives is a chance to learn something about ourselves, an opportunity to change and become a better version of ourselves, and once we learn the lesson, peace returns to one’s life. I have spent a lot of time on my knees this past year begging God to tell me what I’m supposed to be learning from all of the melancholy chaos we’ve endured. Why make me physically stronger just to throw a monkey wrench into my mental health, peaceful home, family, and positive take on life? 

Through this challenging time, for myself and my family, I have learned that change can often take more effort than anticipated. I learned that even if you give your full effort, things don’t always get better. I learned that I am worthy of all that effort. I learned that those I love are worthy of my effort. I learned that it’s ok to temporarily disengage from many things that were important to me to prioritize my physical healing and my family’s needs at this time. I learned that when things are broken, they can’t always be fixed, and this goes for people as well. I learned that picking up the pieces doesn’t mean that all of those pieces can be put back together. I learned that there are people in my life who will walk through fire for me and I for them. I learned that some care enough to wait in my silence for me to heal and allow me the space needed to work on healing my family. I learned that not everyone is my friend. I learned that some people forgot about me, during my much-needed silent healing journey. I learned that everyone is going through something, and I have endless gratitude for anyone who takes a minute to check in and remind me they’re there and ready to help if I need them. I learned that a kind gesture doesn’t have to be elaborate, it’s the small reminders people give, letting me know that even though I’m not present at the moment, they are there when I’m ready. I learned that yes, I am strong, but I’m also at times fragile. I learned that where there’s a will, there’s a way is a damn lie. But still, I’m here for it. 

I hold those who have taken the time to let me know they’re always there with me in the highest regard. To those who disappeared, I have nothing but hope that their journey is a happy one. For those whose mental capacity is flooded with struggles, leaving them drowning, please know you’re not alone. I want you to know I haven’t much emotional space to share at this moment. But still, I’m here for it. 

EM

I SEE YOU

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I’ve always had a passion for writing. However, my challenge lies in the fact that my thoughts often scatter, and I may complete only one out of every ten pieces I begin. I have a friend who grapples with constant chaotic thoughts. He finds it difficult to recognize any redeeming qualities within himself. The remarkable thing is, he possesses an unparalleled gift. His ability to put words to paper that evoke all your senses and transport you into the vivid scenes he creates is a talent possessed by few.

He’s been working very hard on himself for the last year or so, giving up things he once thought he wanted, to explore his past, understand who he has become, and discover who he wants to be. He’s utilized advice from friends, his own creativity, a great deal of courage, and therapy to break free from the box that trauma had trapped him in.

I am incredibly proud of him. He acknowledges that he was becoming toxic to himself and those he cared about. Instead of taking the easy route, he summoned the strength to become a better person. His journey is far from over, and he knows it will take years to untangle and overcome behaviors shaped by trauma. But he’s doing it, and I want him to know that, although my life is very busy at the moment & my time is limited… I see you.

He has a deep love for poetry, and so do I. Even though I’m just a small star in the vast galaxy of his talent, I knew that poetry was the language I needed to connect with him. I chose a reverse poem to serve as a reminder of where he once stood and where he stands today. I want him to understand that I see him, I’m proud of him, and I have faith in him. I look forward to watching his ongoing journey toward self-healing and self-awareness.

Read each line from top to bottom. Then read each line from bottom to top.

His life is pain

And he no longer feels

He has the right to hope

Learning from loss

His worth is limited

Refusing to see

Through others’ hearts

Forging his path

In fear & anxiety

Never choosing to walk

With trust & courage

Trudging through chaos

Harnessing his creativity

Binding him from

A life full of joy

For JP, to remind you to always flip the script.

EM

LOOK TO THE ENDGAME

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I do not cower to opposing views. I am not afraid of challenging my thoughts on different matters. What concerns me is the possibility of becoming close-minded and living in an echo chamber surrounded only by people who agree with me. It would be a stagnant and ignorant existence. Not conducive to personal growth or learning. It is crucial to surround myself with different people and ideas, even if it’s uncomfortable. Engaging people with opposing views can broaden my perspective and deepen my understanding.

You’re under no obligation to like everyone, forgive anyone, or tolerate hatred. Listening to opposing views is evidence of my desire for actual change on the topic. Finding common ground is essential for real, long-term change. As human beings, we all have thoughts and ideas shaped by our experiences and history. By listening, we can learn what’s in a person’s heart and get to why a person holds a particular view. Even if we cannot agree with their views, we can try to understand and see how they arrived at this opinion. Only then can we find a way to meet them where they are and attempt to make them understand our perspective. Or perhaps, we will discover that we are now unsure about our views and that it’s us who need to grow and change.

Don’t be afraid to challenge your views. The real weakness lies in being unwilling to listen. Every generation grows old and the young will challenge their views in the name of progress. Don’t get left behind because of pride. When you have a conversation with someone who has opposing views, listen, be patient, and be kind. No one has ever been insulted into an agreement. We can use what we learned to be the root of their views and take steps to change their perspective or, at the very least, find common ground to move forward on.

It is important to educate ourselves to understand why people believe what they do. The ultimate goal is to come together and solve problems. We often find that our end goal has some semblance of common ground if we listen. We can either dismiss hateful views and tell them to shove them up their ass, or we can make an effort to understand the reasons behind them and stop it at the cause.

I am not saying, we should tolerate hatred. I’m suggesting the solution isn’t to hate back. Rather, to put an end to it, we need to comprehend it. Once we grasp the reasons behind it, we can make a plan to educate others and work towards a solution. Resolving significant issues takes time, support, and education. Real change comes in the seeds we sow for the next generation. The truth is we may be banging our heads against a wall, with some people. But our efforts can impact future generations, and maybe they’ll embrace love over hate.

Love Not Hate

When it comes to dealing with hatred, our focus is often on the victim. We tell them to toughen up, ignore the negativity, and build self-esteem. This puts the responsibility on the victims to adapt and fit in better. Why not redirect our energy toward understanding what creates the hate? With this knowledge, we could create change at the roots & prevent it from happening. It seems more compassionate to support the victims and put those who hate, to work on becoming better people.

This is my chosen approach and I apply this to any issue where there are strong opposing views. I focus on the problem, get to the root, and hopefully find a solution. All while supporting the victims and growing, changing, and educating myself as well. Every one of us can play a part in making the world a better place if we would only listen. Look to the end game.

EM

DON’T INVITE THE BEARS

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Handling toxic situations can be challenging, and if we don’t approach them differently, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We will be doomed to live like salmon swimming upstream, expending energy and effort, only to make a few inches of progress. The difference is, the salmon don’t invite the bears to disrupt their momentum, to push them back to the starting line, or to pick them and their friends off one by one and eat them for lunch. Every time we allow a toxic person to disrupt our lives and force us to start again, it’s like inviting those bears to lunch.

Don’t invite the bears!

While toxic people are responsible for their actions, we are also responsible for what we allow in our lives. Although it’s understandable to accept apologies, if we continue to allow toxic people to stay and wait for them to change, it will poison the whole stream and cause innocent people to suffer. We bear some responsibility for the harm it brings to our journey. While the intentions are good, and some people love deeply and want everyone to be happy and thriving, continually living with toxicity while hoping things will change will never bring peace.

Everyone handles personal boundaries differently. Some have no boundaries and take on the burden again and again, some allow those lines to blur depending on the person crossing them, and some fiercely enforce their boundaries and protect their peace. There are even people who invite the bear to lunch, and we’ve all had toxic people slip through our radar. In these moments, it’s often not the toxic person paying the price and being given a chance to grow and learn, it’s innocent people, good people, suffering again and again. We have to see these moments as opportunities to learn and strengthen our boundaries.

Not everyone who is toxic is evil or cold-hearted; many believe they are coming from a place of love. Often, it’s a learned behavior or a response to trauma. We’ve all exhibited toxic behavior at some point in our lives, but the difference is, we learned from our failures and grew from the experience. We must be willing to force the hand of those who are harming themselves and others, even if it means letting them go to create space for growth. Sometimes it’s necessary to break the toxic cycle and prevent them from stealing joy and energy from those around them. As a friend, I won’t blindly support everything you say you want on this journey. I’ll always meet you where you’re at, but I expect the same in return. It’s essential to expect what someone is capable of and not accept anything less. We must love someone enough to challenge them and push them to grow, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.

If you want a friend who won’t be honest when you’re hurting yourself, me, or others, I’m not her. But if you want a friend who will fiercely support all of your efforts to become the person you want to be, sign me up.