So here I am at my yearly urology appointment.

My labs and ultrasound look great! Then they drop the bomb, they want another urodynamics test. Now of all the tests I’ve had there are two I do not want to do again. A spinal tap because when I had it done they hit a nerve & that sealed the deal, not doing it again! The other is the urodynamics test. It’s not painful it’s humiliating & I hated it. Being sick slowly strips away your dignity & this test is what did it for me. I don’t want to do it ever again!

She laughed at me. The PA laughed at me when I said I don’t want to do it. She said, “the urodynamics test is so easy it doesn’t hurt. Of all the things you’ve had done, it’s silly you refuse this test.”

It’s not ok. It’s abusive.

Now before you judge me for giving in and agreeing to the test, know this, I have been made to feel like I’m crazy, a drug seeker, like I’m not worthy of respect, treatments, care or even worthy of their time by some doctors through this journey. Don’t get me wrong I’ve also had some amazing doctors, unbelievably caring, smart doctors. But I’ve been humiliated more times than I can count.

So I do the stupid test. Want to know why people get anxious or depressed dealing with medical stuff? Because sometimes the doctors just don’t get it, or they just don’t care. I had that test & even after I explained to that PA how humiliated the test made me feel, she asked me if she could bring students in to observe the test. Talk about being left in the darkness by your doctor.

Slipping into the darkness.

Oh hell no. This was a turning point. I matter, I’m a person and if I can’t advocate for myself, no one will! That darkness down in the cracks just got a little brighter because I said, “no”!

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