Today I don’t want to dance.

I don’t want to hear the music. I’m angry, frustrated, disappointed & sad. I also don’t care if you think I should just be positive. You’re not the one lying flat in bed waiting once again, for doctors to decide your next move.

I had a procedure on my g-tube Friday. I, along with my Mom, future daughter-in-law & 2 of my granddaughters stayed the night in Massachusetts. They had a really nice time at the hotel, especially the pool, while I rested a bit after the procedure. I was ready to go and anxious to get home on Saturday.

Two of my reasons for smiling .

I smiled as we pulled in the driveway and then I stepped out of the car & my mic-key button fell out. Let me try to explain what that feels like.

It’s not super painful. The balloon had deflated that holds it in place. There’s some pain as mine isn’t a great placement and I’m constantly having issues. The stomach acid is gross and irritates the flesh and skin. But not unbearable.

It’s the emotional side that’s crushing. Everything I just went through to try and fix it for another 6 months, was for nothing. NOTHING.

Instead of a happy homecoming hug for my husband, he hears yelling to come quick and dig out medical supplies. Instead of a welcome home kiss, I get to watch as my husband nervously goes through the emergency procedure necessary to get a temporary tube in until we can notify my doctor and see what they want me to do next.

My Mom frantically tries to find my son to help look for my button. I’m stuck lying flat praying they find it so I don’t have to go to the ER.

They found it! David sanitizes it and he puts it back in. I once again thank God for my husband. Not everyone could clean the mess & put a tube into a hole in their loved ones stomach!

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” ~Stephen Chbosky

Fast forward to today. All of my plans for my Sunday are put on hold. The mic-key balloon has a leak. It has to be checked and filled every few hours. I can’t use it to get my nutrition so I’m left exhausted physically & mentally.

So for today I avoid contact. Because today I don’t want to hear how weak I am for not being positive, or how I just need to get some fresh air or exercise, or how lucky I am it’s not cancer. For today, I just want to sit and mourn the loss of the fun times I anticipated having this weekend, that clearly will not be happening.

I’m not fine.

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